Confuzzlement - 2004-03-17 - 11:26 p.m.
GAR! I miss Justin.. and at the same time I don't want to think about him. I think about him and I get all gloomy and depressed. I begin to hate myself. I begin to wonder why I ever botherd. He just ignores me afterall. Then once this thought emerges I hate myself more. I know very well that what he is doing is far more important then me. I'm just a silly stupid little girl. What I think I want to need doesn't make one bit of difference. It's not going to change the world if I'm happy. It won't change the world if I'm even able to pull off the appearance of happy.
I console myself only in the fact that no one that sees me everyday has any idea of the torment I'm putting myself through. I don't want them worrying. Though I doubt they will. No one cares if I'm grinning from ear to ear or huddled up in my closet crying with the lights off. No one realizes how much time I spend in there lately. It seems the only place that no one thinks to look for me. It's also the darkest place I can find in the day. It fits my mood. I like it.
Who am I kidding? I don't like it! I don't like crying all day long. I don't like being so burry eyed I can't see my school books. I don't like having my thoughts haunted by a missionary who doesn't seem to want to let me concentrate. I don't like being unable to sleep peacefully. I don't like not wanting to eat. I don't like not wanting to breathe. As if I'd be able to anyway. I don't like feeling like a worthless peice of manure. I don't like feeling like a fool. I don't like looking into my own eyes and seeing nothing but a broken girl, when I used to see a beautiful spirit just waiting to be unleashed. I don't like feeling like a failure.
But mostly I don't like being so selfish. Since when are my problems worse then anyone elses? I think about Sister Talley. All the terrible things she's dealing with right now. Her husbund has hepetitis C. Her daughter is losing a battle with drugs. She's still got three of eight children at home, and a foster baby. She is trying to run the family business, and raise her children, and take care of her husbund, and yet she still manages to smile. She still manages to find joy in life. Why can't I? What I'm dealing with isn't anything close to what she is. So why am I feeling so sorry for myself. Why can't I see all that I do have?
I have a beautiful home. It might not being the most welcoming place with my family and all, but the house itself is beautiful and I love it. I have a room that I can call my own, and do what I will with. I have a singing voice that brings tears to people's eyes. I can play the piano. I can write... when my mind isn't occupied with other things. I have six neices, and four nephews that love me. three of the neices and one of the nephews absolutely worship me. I have friends like Toni, and Cheryl and Allison. Even though they can't always be here when I need them, and often are occupied with their own problems. I know they care. I know they want me to be happy.
I should add Justin to that list, but I just don't know anymore. I've never delt well with being ignored. Go ahead Toni... tell me he's not ignoring me. Knowledge of the fact can't override my emotion of the apparent. I can't help that logic is of no use in matters of this sort. I can't help that my heart is telling me one thing and my head is telling me another. I can't help that logic is screaming I should get out of here while I'm still somewhat intact, and heart is saying I may be broken but there is still a chance to be healed. I always listened to my heart in the past. To my gut feeling. It helped that my dream visions were always showing me which way to go. Now they just confuse me. They are becoming more and more blurry. The distinction between the dream and the vision is becoming cloudy and transparent. Many times I only see the visions for what they are while I'm witnessing them coming to be. By then it's to late to do anything to change the outcome. Some things I want to believe. Some things I pray aren't true.
I don't understand why I'm still so confused. I read my scriptures. I pray about what I've read. I study out my ponderings. Yet still no answers. Still no peace.
I want one night of sleep without waking every twenty minutes or so trying deserately to block out the things I've seen. I want one night of dreamless sleep. I want one night where I don't wake up at some point staring at my picture of Christ and begging him to take it away. I want one morning where I wake up and my eyes aren't dry from having slept with them open at some point during the night. I want one morning where I'm not greeted by my mom frantic because I've been asleep so long. If only she knew. If only she could comprehend the torment that she thinks is sleep. If only I could find a way to channel all the things my mind see's into stories. If only I had someway to share my feelings with the world, and not be told what to change. If only.
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