Be still, my soul - 2004-02-19 - 4:03 p.m.
Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and privide;
In every change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny way leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: THe hour is hast-ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
WHen disappointment, grief, and fear are gone.
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
That was my favorite church hymn. I feel like I really need to hear it right now. We just got a call from my sister who had mediation today with her ex-husbund. Basicly there was no mediation. The mediator was orderd by the judge to grand the loser visitation. This angerd me to the point of swearing. Almost.. not quite... well... I was thinking it really hard. That idiot Jugde! He has no idea what those girsl ahve had to go through. He has no idea how much the idea of their father terrifies them. To the point that they can't sleep at night. Because of that man Jennifer now has a desiese that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. It is possible that she could pass it on to her children, and there is no doubt that she WILL pass it on to her husbund. Are we to let the same thing happen to Kimberly? I hate being so useless. That man admited to the mediator that he had to use his rent money to pay for a lawyer, and that all of the utilites at his house were shut off, and she STILL forced my sister to take the girls to him. That is no envirment for children. My sister is also being forced to squash the restraining order that she has on him. Even though he did something in mediation that prooves he wants my sister out of the picture. She went over to check some of the paperwork that he had, since she has recieved nothing, and he turned red, started shaking and told her in a threatening tone to get away from him. For the last two years everytime that man has seen my sister he has shooke with rage. I think he knows that he can't win. Sooner or later, he WILL be found out, and he will lose the girls, and his freedom. He actually thought my sister was going to sign something so he could get the girls passports and take them to the Philipines.
I can't stop shaking. All I can think of is that I'm goiong to have to break a promise to my girls. I promised them that I would always be there when they needed me. That I would protect them. I can't. I hate myself for it, but I can't. They don't deserve to go through this. Those beautiful girls have been messed up enough by their idiot father. Now they have to spend every week with him from thursday night to Sunday night. We can't even take them to church. Which is something they love. And with my dad only being home on the weekends, and going to bed early on Sunday nights, they won't get to see him either. We won't have them for holidays, we won't be able to take them up to the cabin in the summer. I feel like I have failed them in some way. I know I'm not their mother and it's not my place to save them. But I am their Aunt. And I PROMISED them I would be there. How am I to be there? How am I to protect them from this monster. What happens when they cry out in the middle of the night, and he yells at them to shut up and go to sleep? Who will comfort them and hold them, and let them know that Heavenly Father is with them? Even if someone were able to tell them. What reason would they have to believe it? I don't know what to do, and I hate that. I need to do something, but I don't know what, and I hate it. I'm shaking with rage, and pain, and I can't make it stop. I feel like I should be strong for them, but what good will it do? I can't give up hope. I can't. Yet at the same time, I'm too blind to see any.
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